3:48 am.
Awoke
from a dream
dream
of my cat - awakening me
softly
driving fangs into my ankles
before
that mattress shopping - with my mother and father
she
looked healthy, spry, thinner
a
vibrant hue not bloated by medication
choking
through bleeding lungs
3:48
am. awoke from the dream
in
empty place - where mom and cat are dead
not
passed away - dead
there’s
really no beauty in the desperation
of
searching it all for a higher meaning
I
knew she was not be coming back
As
soon as I gazed upon her glazed eyed corpse
naked -
ashen - sagging
in
the center of the bed
even
after they revived the body
I
knew she would not be returning
she
died again in the ambulance
over
and over in the ER
even
after we decided against
still
they tried
tube
rammed down throat
blood
shooting up/out in the air
male
nurse with possible homosexual tendencies
forcing
my father’s hand into my mother’s corpse hand
until
it “passed”
me
with a cup of coffee - numb
feeling
like a sociopath
feigning
weakness in the knees - gripping a railing
expression -
it’s what people do
pretending
to reach out - retract hand from my father’s shoulder
male
nurse erotically stroking my neck
in
ruse of consolation
weeping
young woman new to the job
gripping
clipboard - tears - distraught at my loss
and
I’m wondering “2 months ago on this day, I made the decision to put my cat
down….
is
that why it was so easy? to lie…
to
say we had this specific discussion before?”
next
thing y’know - they take us to a wood paneled room
so -
we can view the body
have
something to eat, drink
because
in America we want to look at our mother’s body
over
some cheese and crackers, maybe some fruit
Hell,
I guess I had a cup of coffee…
but
we declined under another lie - something about
how
my mother didn’t want us to see her that way
I
just saw her corpse - I know she’s dead
the
cheese and crackers aren’t needed to prove it
her
friend got all hysterical when I broke the news
she
offered to cook for me
the
last thing I really want is a meal
you
probably should have visited your friend at some point
before
she died
a
couple of my friends dropped by
others
nearby or in town offered condolences
one
asked if there was anything they could do
nearing
one year later…
haven’t
heard from any of them
strangers
even in town
one
of them had quite a misfortune recently
expected
a sense of sympathy
maybe
a little comfort
shuddered
when they received the direct opposite
felt
something inside me for the first time in months
an
elevated warmth
just
not quite sure - what it is
"a show that was affordable to all" -- Émile Zola
The Paris Morgue was one of the city's major tourist attractions in the 19t century. Whenever a newspaper reported a particularly gruesome, or sentimental, death, tens of thousands of people would crowd into the morgue to view the corpse. It was designed to attract as many visitors as possible in order to identify the bodies more easily, so it was conveniently located by the cathedral of Notre-Dame and open every day from dawn to dusk. 50 people at a time could view 2 rows of corpses on stone slabs behind glass windows.
ReplyDeleteLamentations 3:48:
ReplyDeleteMy eyes run with rivers of tears over the destruction of my cherished people. [International Standard Version]