Timothy Spearman writes

BY-PASSING INDIFFERENCE
 How to Court the Reluctant Husband

[from  The Lunatic, the Lover and the Poet]

Lord Burghley instructs his daughter Anne to lure her reluctant but inebriated husband, Lord Oxford, into impregnating her.. (Oxford is the alleged bastard -- and paramour -- of Elizabeth I and thus the grandson of Henry VIII, who divorced or executed most of his wives.)

LORD BURGHLEY
He wilt not sleep with thee? Speakest true? Art thou already so estranged that thine own husband wilt not sleep with thee? What canst thou have done to so offend him?
 
ANNE CECIL
What hath I done to offend him? What has he done to offend me? Art thou oblivious to the other women that art the objects of his fancy?

LORD BURGHLEY
Why is he not pleased with thee? Provide thee no sport for him in bed?
 
ANNE CECIL
I am a lady if that's what thou meanest. Not a strumpet.

LORD BURGHLEY
Perhaps one needs to be less of a lady.
 
ANNE CECIL
What meanest thou by that insult? Wouldst thou have thy daughter spread her legs like a strumpet? Art thou a whoreson, father? Art thou from a line of whoresons?

LORD BURGHLEY
Watch thy tongue, girl. If anything be evidence of a vile pedigree, it be a saucy tongue.

ANNE CECIL
I am what thou madest me.
 
LORD BURGHLEY
I have hatched a plan to pierce his armour with Cupid's arrow.

ANNE CECIL
A plan certain to be the inspiration of the Devil.
 
LORD BURGHLEY
Thou shalt dress up in the finery of a courtesan and visit his bed this evening.

ANNE CECIL
What kind of a father art thou that thou wouldst encourage thy daughter to be a whore? Art thou beyond all conscience and scruple?

LORD BURGHLEY
Dost thou not understand the need to produce an heir? The Cecil family requires a pedigree. Thy husband is a royal who refuses to sleep with thee.
 
ANNE CECIL
I am not a whore, nor will I be made to dress like one.

LORD BURGHLEY
Thou wilt be called worse if thou dost not produce an heir with this prince. He shall divorce thee otherwise. He is already about the town, as thou ownest thyself.

ANNE CECIL
Thou wouldst have me dress up as a strumpet to seduce a royal knave calling himself my husband but refusing to share my bed?

LORD BURGHLEY
In a word, yes.

ANNE CECIL
This island hath no shortage of knaves, but I knew not my father was the prince of knaves.
 
LORD BURGHLEY
Thou art married to the prince of knaves. It is his pedigree I seeketh.

---
Lord Burghley plies Lord Oxford with wine to get him drunk.

LORD BURGHLEY
We have not conversed for a goodly while.

LORD OXFORD
Thou hast noted I avoid thee like the plague?
 
LORD BURGHLEY
Plagues art like our mothers. Try as thy might to avoid it, thou canst not avoid the plague any more than thy mother.
 
LORD OXFORD
True. Oedipus would attest to the fact. I have married mine.

LORD BURGHLEY
Speakest thou true? Dost thou find Anne so like thy mother?

LORD OXFORD
As a mirror is held up to nature to show nature her true image.
 
LORD BURGHLEY
Truly? What dost thou find so twinned about their natures?

LORD OXFORD
The same that I find in all descendants of Eve - deceit, underhandedness, scheming, plotting and beguilement. Are these not the traits of Eve's daughters?

LORD BURGHLEY
Thy tongue is blunt as an axe-head, but I wilt have it sharp as an axe.
 
LORD OXFORD
Brandy agreeth with me as twilight doth the night.

LORD BURGHLEY
An apt analogy for a night cap.
 
LORD OXFORD
I never wear one. I'm not as bald as thee so feel no modesty before the Angel of Death should he come for me in the night.

LORD BURGHLEY
As with the trees, we shed our canopy in autumn.
 
LORD OXFORD
Yes, it is the first part of us to go. We shed the mortal coil by degrees.

LORD BURGHLEY
How do you find Anne? Is she sufficient sport for you in bed?
 
LORD OXFORD
I have not tried her. I have not even sought her company in bed. I seeketh not her defilement. I loveth her not. She was not my choice.
 
LORD BURGHLEY
Arranged marriages are arranged in heaven. Thou shouldst be grateful to have found so good a woman. Thou canst learn to love her if thou triest.

LORD OXFORD
It is not her I love. I am besotted with another.
 
LORD BURGHLEY
Thou scandal prone buffoon. I warn thee not to disgrace this court.
 
LORD OXFORD
This court hath disgraced me by forcing me into a marriage based on perjured love vows. I recant every word and rue the day I ever uttered them.

LORD BURGHLEY
Calm down. She'll hear thee.
 
LORD OXFORD
I prayeth she doth hear every word. If she divorceth me so much the better.
 
LORD BURGHLEY
She wilt not grant thee a divorce.

LORD OXFORD
Then I shall apply my grandfather's methods.
 
LORD BURGHLEY
Contemplate it not. It shalt be thy head that rolls if thou even thinkest it

---
Anne enters dressed as a courtesan. Lord Burghley looks on through a peephole.
 
LORD BURGHLEY
In Eastern lands, parents peep
Till their children fall asleep.
Nuptials are as much for the old
As for those bought and sold.
A cultural practice borne not of perversion. 
Parents wish their children to have no aversion. 

BURGHLEY'S SERVANT
Shall I leave another cup to stand
Within reach of the Earl's hand?
Tender love scenes do we partake
To slay the lover for Cupid's sake.
 
LORD BURGHLEY
Speak in mine ear in a hushed tone
Lest we make our presence known.

---
Anne climbs into Lord Oxford's bed.
 
LORD OXFORD
Art thou an apparition I behold
Or  be I the true  ultimate cuckold?
It is early and the night is long
How can indulgence be so wrong?
My wife's in bed, but I am up
Dost thou fancy another cup?
 
ANNE  CECIL
Tempting a temptress with a drink
Might lead thee to the very brink
Of yet another shameful kink.
Hath thou no restraint, my Lord?
Is it truly for thine accord?
Can so much ill luck thee afford?
 
LORD OXFORD
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my cock is deep
If I should wake before I cum
I'll bed thee for another sum.
 
ANNE CECIL
Thou art neither long nor deep
And I am nearly fast asleep
Make an end of it and be done
So I may birth 'nother whoreson.