The Odyssey of Pastor Harold Schnabel
Listen up! It's Deacon Simon here,
reporting on Pastor Harold Schnabel,
the minister we long ago defrocked.
Remember how he went to Holland
years ago. Hard to believe but
he's coming back a millionaire
who made his money
running a bordello for midgets
with Peyronie's Disease
in downtown Amsterdam.
He hired his staff carefully,
favoring double-jointed women who
understand the geometry of angles,
isosceles and otherwise.
He's coming back to take advantage
of an American Renaissance
in porkpie hats. He says men
will wear them once again
this summer and possibly forever.
It will be the same porkpie hat
made famous by Buster Keaton,
the beloved comedian,
who for years was chief custodian
in Harold's congregation, long before
we deacons finally defrocked him
for simony, calumny,
heterosexuality and serial fraud.
Anyone who thinks Harold's wrong
about an American Renaissance
in porkpie hats needs to remember
the startling success he's had
running that bordello for midgets
with Peyronie's Disease.
The staff of ladies he recruited
made Harold a millionaire.
We defrocked him for cause but
he's an entrepreneur extraordinaire.
He knows midgets and porkpie hats.
So, please, join me at the airport
Sunday morning after services
so we can make Harold's return
to our beautiful city a boffo event.
He's giving out free porkpie hats
to everyone who comes to greet him.
And big discounts to all midgets
with Peyronie's Disease planning
a trip to Amsterdam this Spring
to admire--what else?--the tulips.
There will never be another Harold.
Let's welcome Pastor Schnabel home.
A Tribute to Buster Keaton -- David Wiemers
Peyronie's disease is a connective tissue disorder involving the growth of hardened, big, cord-like lesions (scar tissue known as "plaques") in the soft tissue of the penis. the scar tissue forms in the tunica albuginea, the thick sheath of tissue surrounding the corpora cavernosa, the pair of sponge-like regions of erectile tissue which contain most of the blood during an erection. The condition causes pain, abnormal curvature, erectile dysfunction, indentation, loss of girth, and shortening. It is not uncommon for men afflicted with the disease to exhibit depression or withdrawal from their sexual partners. The underlying cause is not well understood but is thought to be caused by trauma or injury to the penis usually through sexual intercourse or physical activity. The condition was 1st described in 1743 by François Gigot de la Peyronie, the first-surgeon to Louis XV "the beloved" of France. After 1738 the king stopped having sex with his wife after she bore 10 of his children; in response, he stopped taking the sacrament or going to confession until his and took a series of mistresses including Jeanne-Antoinette Poisson, the marquise de Pompadour, who guided him unwisely in matters of state for 2 decades, and then by Jeanne Bécu, the comtesse du Barry, whom his heir's wife Marie Antoinette called "the most stupid and impertinent creature imaginable" and was guillotined in 1793.
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