The Diamond as Big as the Ritz
as channeled by Gertrude Stein
with apologies to F. Scott Fitzgerald
It is easier to be the kind of person who always wants to keep what they have and have everything and anything that anyone or everyone has when you are born with a lot of anything or everything because you naturally have a lot of anything and everything and think that having a lot of everything and anything is the way you should be because you have always had a lot of anything and everything and don't know that not having anything and everything can also be a natural state, but you think that not having and not keeping a lot of anything and everything is the only way of being. I want to tell you about a boy who loved being someone who had a lot of anything and everything and wanted to keep all of anything and everything that he had and thought that having and keeping anything and everything was the only way to be until he met and got to know something about people who had even more of anything and everything than anyone who had anything and everything and wanted to keep anything and everything from anyone and everyone who wanted even a little of anything and everything.
The boy's name was John and he was born in a place called Hades and always had a lot of everything and anything and did not know that people who wanted anything and everything that anyone or everyone had were. The boy grew up having anything and everything and when he was old enough went to school in the east where everyone had everything and anything and always wanted anything and eve1ything and didn't know about people who did not have a lot of anything and everything and wanted some of anything and everything. There he met a boy named Percy who became his friend. On a visit to Percy's home he found out that Percy's family always had more of anything and everything than anyone or everyone and wanted to keep all of anything and everything they had from anyone and everyone and if anyone or everyone came on anything or everything they had which was their property or somehow learned that they had more of anything or everything and anyone or everyone they always kept anyone and everyone from ever telling anyone or everyone else about anything or everything they had and they always kept anyone and everyone from ever doing anything or everything again.
Percy had two sisters who always had anything and everything they wanted except friends so sometimes friends were invited to the home where they had anything and everything and did not want anyone or everyone to know or tell about anything and everything so when the visit was over the visitor was not allowed to go anywhere or everywhere and talk to anyone or everyone about anything or everything or ever do anything or everything again. When John realized he would never be able to see anyone or everyone or do anything or everything or go anywhere or everywhere again he decided he had to leave and because he thought he liked the younger sister more than anyone or everyone he wanted to take her with him but because the younger sister also liked her older sister as much as anyone or everyone and John liked her too he decided he would take both sisters anywhere or everywhere.
As John was getting ready to go anywhere or everywhere slaves of Percy's father who never wanted anyone or everyone to tell anyone or everyone about anything or everything were preparing to keep him from going anywhere or everywhere but John was saved because someone or anyone or everyone was trying to find out anything or everything about what Percy's father had. The slaves had to go help Percy's father keep someone or anyone or everyone from seeing something or anything or everything. John had a chance to take the girls and go anywhere or everywhere and because they would no longer have everything or anything the younger sister was supposed to take some diamonds and other jewels so they would have a chance to have something or anything or some of everything. And they did but before they could leave the property and go somewhere or anywhere or everywhere they saw Percy's father trying to convince God that he should be allowed to keep anything and everything and that everything would be the way it had always been but God ignored the offer or something or anything and only rumbled or grumbled and Percy's father and the slaves carrying the diamond that was bigger than almost anything or everything went underground and soon after everything was destroyed by an explosion that was almost as big as everything or anything.
When the young people were safely on the way to somewhere or anywhere or everywhere they discovered that the younger sister had mistakenly taken rhinestones and colored glass instead of diamonds and that they would have to live without everything or something or anything and would probably have to go back to Hades.
[Gertrude Stein to F. Scott Fitzgerald upon reading THE GREAT GATSBY
ReplyDeleteHotel Pernollet Belley (Ain) Belley, le 22 May, 192-
My dear Fitzgerald:
Here we are and have read your book and it is a good book. I like the melody of your dedication and it shows that you have a background of beauty and tenderness and that is a comfort. The next good thing is that you write naturally in sentences and that too is a comfort. You write naturally in sentences and one can read all of them and that among other things is a comfort. You are creating the contemporary world much as Thackeray did his in Pendennis and Vanity Fair and this isn’t a bad compliment. You make a modern world and a modern orgy strangely enough it was never done until you did it in This Side of Paradise. My belief in This Side of Paradise was alright. This is as good a book and different and older and that is what one does, one does not get better but different and older and that is always a pleasure.. Best of good luck to you always, and thanks so much for the very genuine pleasure you have given me. We are looking forward to seeing you and Mrs. Fitzgerald when we get back in the Fall. Do please remember me to her and to you always
Gtde Stein
[She also said: "Gertrude Stein and Fitzgerald are very peculiar in their relationship to each other. She thinks Fitzgerald will be read when many of his well-known contemporaries are forgotten. Fitzgerald says that he thinks that Gertrude Stein says these things just to annoy him by making him think she means them."]