Harry Stole a Tomato
Harry was an old
spice wearing SOB who stole GD tomatoes thinking nobody noticed. We mocked this
profane overweight bigot every time we walked past his home. Mostly we were
curious to see if his ancient prostate would just fall to the ground.
One day after
singing “Harry Stole a Tomato” 20 times outside his house he rushed out with a
broom and started screaming obscenities requiring a frigging translator to
understand and a calculator to count. Then he clutched his chest and plunged
down the front porch. His cranky body hit every step until it settled to the
bottom. And there a massive amount of multi-colored clothes straight from the
Great Depression lay silent on the ground.
For the first time I
felt like a jerk and regretted leaving this heartless heathen alone. Sure he
was a pain-in-the-butt thief who couldn’t stop stealing produce if his eternal
life depended on it. But who am I to push the geriatric bum to the brink? I’m
not trying to kill a geezer. I simply wanna walk to the local pizzeria without
having to laugh at losers.
I ran to render aid
to him and save myself from Hell. Harry was so old he probably still owed Moses
five shekels. He didn’t appear to be breathing and that nearly stopped me from
exhaling. If nausea were an art form I would be the Van Gogh of vomit. I said
to myself, “Please God don’t let this douche bag die.” I know it’s not poetry
but it was from the heart--alright.
Suddenly, Harry
jumped up to his feet and yelled “Got you, got you…you little prick.” He started dancing
the polka or something equally historically uninteresting. I practically passed
out in relief. The Model T of tomato stealing was still kicking after all. Who
had the energy to get angry? Who had the gall? He got me. He got me good that old
fart!
Maybe tomorrow I
will convince the guys to break into his home and take a power dump in his salt
water fish tank. I can imagine the look on this face when he sees a couple of
Lincoln Logs floating with his expensive tropical fish.
But until that revenge
prank day Harry was okay in my book. Just don’t quote me. Because this shit
never happened. And that bastard still smells like Ben-Gay.
Jules Bengué developed an analgesic heat rub for the temporary relief of muscle and joint pain. Taken to the US in 1898, the product's name was anglicized to Ben-Gay (spelled Bengay since 1995).
ReplyDeleteGardener's Delight is the most widely grown tomato variety among amateur gardeners because it tolerates a wide variety of soil and weather conditions and it regularly produces a heavy crop. Each truss will produce 10 to 14 tomatoes and an average of 70 to 80 tomatoes per plant.
ReplyDeleteThere are two key reason for the popularity of this variety, and the first is how easy it is to grow. Not only does it tolerate a wide variety of soil and weather conditions but it regularly produces a heavy crop. The second reason is taste - most people like the taste and the texture.